Journal Entry... my thoughts of the day

So today has been a kind of looking back day I think. I have spent the day remembering and rereading things that I have written over the last few years. Some of them were truly not so pleasant. Others brought a smile to both my face and heart.

There are several things that I nearly posted but didn't. I think the time will come that perhaps I will, but not yet... I think I will 'dance around the edges' of that situation for a little bit longer, but my end goal is to deal with those things head on here. For four long years that glorious moment of triumph and the subsequent nearly cataclysmic failure has dominated much of who and what I am. That just doesn't sit real well with me any more. I don't like allowing things to have any power over me, especially things I have no control over.

You see, four years ago we were in the progress of adopting a little boy from Ukraine. We battled (and present day battle...) infertility since '94 or '95. I've tried to just put so much of it completely out of my mind that truthfully I can't remember when we were first "officially" told there was a problem. But it has been a long, long time.

Short story-- we have done it all. Artificial insemination, donor insemination, invitro, countless drugs, vitamins, and cure alls are the name of the game when you want to have a child and it doesn't happen. For years, we lived our lives in two week increments. Two weeks waiting to try, two weeks waiting to see if it would work, two weeks of hell either way you go. Don't get me wrong there were periods of peace there. After all, we were and are both normal people with normal jobs and normal families. We didn't shut ourselves in a bottle for years on end, though at times I think it would have been easier if we did.

We did eventually pursue adoption, several different times and in several different ways. Eventually I will get to that story. Not today, probably not tomorrow, but eventually. I am 'getting over it' as they say in stages. I guess this journal of sorts is kind of my way of putting this to bed once and for all.

For now, I have other things clamoring for my attention. You see, no matter what you are going through, how hard or easy that it may be, life is always calling-- which is okay, really. So I am learning to balance...deal with the past a little bit, appease the present day a little bit. Maybe if I can maintain that balance... who knows what may happen!